Tough Luck (a.k.a The Day I Gave My Boyfriend Away)
The following words, sentences, paragraphs and burst of feelings are not to be taken in the wrong way. They are just a reflection of what is going on in my mind, my thoughts, my side of the story. If you have any comments about it, leave one. But if you’re just going to attack what I have written, better get out of here. What I write may or may not please you, and I really don’t care seeing as this is MY blog and I have every right to what I write here. Ah, I feel better with that already.
I wasn’t really going to make a fuss about this, but a part of me gave in. Today is the day when I, a selfless and generous young maiden, gave away something special to me, just to make others happy. To give a chance for others to experience what I have had, to allow them a glimpse of my paradise.
yeah,. real dramatic eh?
It seems that I have just given away my boyfriend, and to my boyfriend’s best friend, nonetheless. Confusing? To put it simply, my boyfriend’s best friend, which is a girl, likes (loves?) my boyfriend. And my boyfriend harbors feelings for this best friend, but haven’t acted out on it for two reasons: 1) Age difference – best friend is younger, and 2) Me – being the girlfriend and all. Now, I’m not sure that I (me?) and this best friend sees eye-to-eye, but I didn’t set out to do anything about her. (yeah good me huh? I’m totally as amazed as you are with how.. okay I am with this). So came the time when I guess best friend couldn’t take it anymore being in the sidelines.. and now comes up “if” scenarios. If you don’t choose her over me, I’d cut myself., block you and threaten my life with suicide. (I don’t think she’s really taking her whole life seriously enough.. I mean suicide? really? no life is that bad, considering that there are tons more out there who’s got more problems than you do, I mean, look at the starving people in India! and if you’re contemplating suicide, then you really haven’t totally appreciated what you have in your life.. oops sorry bout this ._. can’t help it). Boyfriend at this point is feeling pretty guilty over his position. So to make things even, I suggested a break-time between the two of us (wow really? makes people think about my real feelings here, but I just.. don’t want to see him so agonized over something.) Give boyfriend a chance to think things thru and decide for himself what he should do about things.
A few days later., everything is still at a standstill. Nothing’s really happening so I decided to think things over. Due to my little “soft-hearted” episode, I now have no boyfriend. Thinking about things, it’s not really that bad. I mean, I haven’t really lost him, he’s not dead, he’s just.. not mine. But he isn’t anyone else’s either. Then I came to think about the situation. Why make him choose between his girlfriend and his best friend? It’s not really fair if you look at it. He chooses best friend, girlfriend goes away and then what? He lives happily ever after? He now has a girlfriend that is also his best friend. Doesn’t sound like a bad deal. So what if he chooses girlfriend? Best friend goes away, but if things didn’t work out, girlfriend might leave him someday. Then who will he have? And that’s not counting the fact that he didn’t want to lose anyone. I mean, which selfless person would make their loved one choose over two things, both of which is important to him?
I talked to boyfriend (now ex-boyfriend?) and seems like he really didn’t know how to make a choice. He’s pressured by best friend’s promise of self-inflicted pain (i.e. cutting, suicide, etc) that he has encountered lots of times before, and he tells me he doesn’t want that to happen again. At this time, I really don’t know where my emotions have gone, seeing as I don’t feel anything at all. One cannot say that I don’t care for ex-boyfriend anymore, since when I allow myself to think about it, it hurts too much. At one point, ex-boyfriend told me about how he understands best friend’s point of view. She really must not be able to take it anymore. And maybe he’s right. I’m in no position to say anything, since I’m the person who gets to say that boyfriend is mine. If I was in best friend’s shoes, wouldn’t I act the same way?
That kinda made me have an inner debate thing. Would I really force him to choose? But then, the answer is quickly no. He doesn’t have to choose between any of us, best friend and I doesn’t need to see eye-to-eye, but we can co-exist together. Besides, the reason for choosing.. cutting yourself and suicide? It’s not something to be taken lightly. I absolutely do not approve of cutting, for it does not solve anything. In reality, it poses more of a problem. And suicide? I have only started to live life, I haven’t really experienced anything yet, and no matter how hard my life may seem right now, it’s better off compared to someone else’s.
My mind kept going back to what my ex-boyfriend said. About being in best friend’s shoes. I began thinking that it really wasn’t something to make a fuss about, if you really like that person. If you love a person enough, you’d want him to be happy right? Even if his happiness does not lie with you.
That’s when an idea came to me. At this point I really wasn’t thinking of myself it seems, for the idea that I came up with was to get my ex-boyfriend ask out his best friend and then.. we’ll see what happens. Scenario one is, if it works out well, good for them, poor me. Scenario two, (since I have doubts about this best friend’s “love” for boyfriend.. some wicked part of me thinks she’s adamantly proclaiming her love for him because she sees him as a big brother guy, and she doesn’t want to be wrong once she said something. I think that she believes she loves boyfriend because it has been her line of thought since a long time ago. Like you being so frustrated over not getting something, believing in your heart that what you want is something you really need, when in turns out that it isn’t. But then there’s also a quiet part of me that thinks that maybe, just maybe, ex-boyfriend may be happier with best friend after all. They have had years of time together. What can a mere 6+ months relationship compare to that?)
well., the thing is, I don’t seem to be feeling anything at all even at this stage. Maybe it all hasn’t sank in yet. I was more upset that I nearly had a heart attack (figuratively of course) when all 20+ of my Dragon Ball Z Episodes crashed. Well., seems like I’ve dealt that cards that I have and now we just have to see what happens next.