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I’ve been meaning to post this for quite some time now., but it just doesn’t seem appropriate and I couldn’t find the timing for this. Lately I’ve been zoning out much more than usual, and it’s now a chore to keep my attention in class. Can’t even blame my friends for making fun of me as I zone out then repeat something they have just said moments ago. Too much stuff happening, stuff I shouldn’t even be bothered about.

First is the school stuff. My grades are unconsciously getting lower, and I only have myself to blame for that. It’s not that I don”t want to study anymore, just that recently I don’t see the point of why I have to strive for high grades. It isn’t these grades that would define who and where we would be in the future. Low or high grades, we’ll all be dentists when the time comes. I’m annoyed at my school professors for not being the best, or even being professional, or for being too strict, but then again I can find a lot of things that annoy me at school, one of them being the workload they expect us to do. So maybe I’m being a little unfair with that and all, and should give more effort.

Another one was about my relationship with people. I have to admit I miss talking to Henri and Max Alphonse – they’ve always been able to cheer me up no matter what. But then I have to tip my hat off to Soo Jun Lee. Recently with all the things happening, he’s been the only one able to lighten my mood, aside from my gals Ange, Ches, Liz and Love. Talking with these guys help me to forget about my troubles momentarily and just enjoy the moment.

For the thing bugging me the most, I don’t know what to say. I don’t even know what to do. The thing is with girls, what I don’t like is the way they cling to someone and acts desperately to get someone’s attention. Maybe it’s cuz I grew up learning not to speak when not spoken to, or just not showing emotion. Anger is the only thing I can show well, and when that happens, I’m super sarcastic. And then with the saying of “sorry I didn’t think it  would turn out like that,” mentally I’m thinking mean things like “did you even think about what would happen before you did that?” or “which part of this sentence should I dissect first for plasticity? I mean, who are you kidding? I’m not that stupid to believe what you are saying.”  Don’t tell me you are sorry for doing something you clearly enjoyed doing. It just makes me more annoyed at you. And don’t pull the pity party thing. Instead of feeling pity for you, it would just harden my resolve.

I’m the jealous type, but as much as possible I try not to show it nowadays. I don’t want to be too controlling of others’ actions. As much as possible I would give them a wide range of freedom to do as they please, but then again I’m not perfect, and sometimes, I would snap. There is a reason you were trusted with that range of freedom. At least use your head in applying it to your life. Also I’m too conscious of time. I don’t like waiting, or making other people wait. But in situations where I don’t know what to do, I can wait you out.

So yeah, I’m at a loss as to what to do. Do I just cut myself off from these emotions and bury them along with my ever-fading memories? Do I let go of this wall I find I’m building around myself? I’m not the type of girl who knows how to deal with these kinds of emotions. Heck, I don’t even know how to express my emotions. Is this thing even worth continuing when there isn’t whole truths behind it? One thing I did learn is that I’m only wasting my load texting someone who can’t be bothered to text back.

Every time I find myself close to thinking about these stuff, I start reading my Wattpad stories. It’s really a surprise how I can go through one or two stories per day without a stop, and most of what I’ve been reading contains 41 parts or so. For the past 3 days I’ve been through 5 stories, each different from the other. Now that I think about it, it doesn’t really surprise me why my eyes always feel tired. It’s been a while since I’ve read a lot of books, and reading a lot kind of stresses them. Can’t wait to go back to reading Black Equations – The Deceived Ones. They’re even featuring a mission here in the Philippines.


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