Realizations

So as I was staring at my laptop, procrastinating on my homework, my mind came upon these realizations:

1. I can’t express my thoughts and emotions into complex words I can say or write down.
2. I still liked the guy from my previous relationship.
3. The realization in #2 irritates me.
4. I am very happy with my relationship now than I was in my previous one.

I can’t really express most of my emotions well. The best I can come up with is either passive or angry. Most of the times when I’m just excited or a bit worked up, people always assume I’m angry by the way my voice gets louder. The most I’ve worked up in school is irritation, and I’m a bit surprised to say I haven’t been angry. Mostly whenever I feel sad, I just can’t seem to show it when other people are around. True I get melancholic every now and then, most of the times I don’t show it. Maybe it’s because I don’t know how to act in certain situations so I just suck it in, be quiet, pretend I’m sleepy or tired.

I’m quite a piece of an antisocial work actually. Ever since the last couple of years in high school, I’ve never really let anyone close to me anymore. I distanced myself away from them, and for some time, I got used to it. I mean, I don’t have people asking a lot of questions, no one to mind what I do, no one to look after, it was quite a relief. Suffice to say that I have no love left for my high school, the teachers I had when I was there, or the people I associated with.

Now, it’s a different matter already. It took someone, well actually quite a few someones, somewhat a lot of work to turn me from the timid, antisocial person I was to who I am now. Though not exactly the warm and welcoming den mother, I am much more of a socialite than before. And for that, I am truly grateful to them.
So this brings us back to my realization #1. Due to those 2 years in high school, I now find it hard to know how to act in certain situations. Like what to do when your best friend is crying. Or when you’re really thrilled, swoony and excited. Or how to show fear, or dislike of something. Whenever I try to act like most people do, it all feels fake and not me.

All this revolved around the last two years of my previous relationship. When my friends expressed their opinions about the guy I was dating by slowly distancing themselves from me, I should have caught the hint. Quite a lot of people didn’t like him for a reason I still didn’t know. Maybe he thought differently than most, or he acted differently, I’m not sure what. But for all his imperfections, I liked him. I accepted him for who and how he is. But, as most things, we didn’t last. He ended our relationship thru text, without even telling me the reason why.

Which brings me to the realization that I even now, I still like that guy. But the intensity with which I like him now is comparatively less compared to how I liked him before. I admit I’m still longing for those warm hugs, those easy smiles, the safety and comfort, and the laughter I got from him. But then, I wanted them because those are what I was used to. It somehow annoys me that he now has a new love, but it’s not that which gets me in a knot. It’s his audacity to fall in love without actually clearing up with me the reason he broke up with me in the first place. He should have at least cleared that up. He kept telling me that he will clear it up. Soon as we meet again. Though when that will be is a mystery to me. I admit I wasn’t the best girl a guy could have back then, but it was an experience I now use to prevent myself from committing the same mistakes. So what happened is kind of a reflection of what happened between my mom and dad that lead to their separation, the reason of which I still don’t know up to now, with it being already 11 years ago. Sure I could have asked my mom a few years after that, but I didn’t. I guess maybe I’m just afraid to know the answer.

So this realization brings me to #3. For all that he did to me, I still liked him. He even once confessed recently to using me as “an escape to reality”. All because his love story with the girl he loves now isn’t going well. It’s quite annoying how I tend to develop a sense of camaraderie to those who are considered by most as the “underdogs” that I try to take them under my wing and nurture them. I take quite a bit of pride whenever someone I helped achieved something that is truly amazing. So in all that, I just can’t help but feel that I was used.
All that lead me to the thought of the person I like/dove now. The thoughts of him calmed me a bit, because I soon started thinking about what he said about relationships and such. Being with him, though we are physically apart, has actually an equal amount of advantages and disadvantages. Unlike before when I was within walking distance in school with the guy I was dating, I feel free in a sense that there is no one hovering behind me, watching my every move. Plus there is the fact that not every move of mine will be chopped into pieces and evaluated under the microscope. I can do what I want, when I want to. There is no one nagging about this and that, and the actual distance that separates us just makes me long all the more for the hours we spend talking to each other.

Sometimes I just wish we could be where the other is, just so I could hug him and tell him how much he means to me personally. Though not perfect, with quite a few of his fair share of flaws, he makes me feel – I don’t know how to say it – uhm, special? Loved? Cared for? He mostly makes me feel that I belong and I’m always welcome. Though he can be quite lazy, annoying, and sometimes even scary for the norm, I mostly find him adorable, sometimes annoying, and most of the time funny, charming and even awesome. As with all boys, what I find most adorable about him is his tendency to get jealous of little things. Though I can’t stop that, the fact that he gets jealous speaks a lot for me already.

Needless to say, I feel happier in this relationship than that which I had before, and I’m not just saying it to spite my ex. I realize now that I don’t need him to clear up his reasons for breaking up with me. Though it’ll be nice to know, I don’t really need it anymore. It’s just now that what my BF told me made sense. That what happened in the past shouldn’t affect me now. He’s really too smart for his age, that guy xD he understands most things, and death doesn’t even phase him. Calculating and ever cautious, sometimes I think even I should be afraid of him.

It’s all a matter of “forgive and forget” though I never really liked that idea. I’d rather remember rather than forget, for how will I learn if I keep forgetting the circumstances which lead up to a certain event? It’s more of acceptance, and being happy with what you have now.

So I guess this is it. These realizations kind of lifted a sort-of burden from me. Though there will be more where that came from come the Christmas Break.

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