Shedding Some Light

Maybe I just didn’t understand his reasons, but this guy I liked just left when I was trying to defend myself against that girl. So maybe I was a bit stiff and unrelenting, but I thought he would side with me and at least try to calm me down. Boy was I disappointed.

At that time I was talking to my ex. So it was he who I turned to. But the comfort I was looking for wasn’t to be found with him too. But instead of being wholly disappointed, he tried to calm me down. At first I was all riled up and mad at the world, but he sort of broke through my wall and calmed me. The patience that must have taken is astounding, as I’m not really the best person to reason out with when I’m angry. I tend to be stubborn and I always push everyone away.

I was really confused though, cuz at first I don’t even know why he is helping me, and I do believe that no one will really do anything for anyone else unless there’s something in it for them. So he just wants to be a good friend.. okay, but still confused.

I’m just used to dealing with my problems on my own, based from my personal experience with past friends, no one wants to talk about my problems, but everyone is okay with talking about their problems. So the actual concept of someone wanting to know what bothers me is a new thing.

In the end, just talking to him made me realize that all I want is to fit in, and to be loved. Honestly, I’m tired of arguing with people. Defending yourself from their speculations isn’t that easy, especially when their perceived version of you, built from gossips which tends to be exaggerated, is totally different from how you really are. In the end, I guess it’s just easier to let them think what they want to think, because no matter how much you explain to them, what they will choose to believe in is what they heard from their friends.

Being with my ex before, when we were still together, I guess I felt a bit of how it was to be loved, to know that there is someone who will always have your back when you’re in a tight spot, someone to turn to whenever the world becomes unbearable.  I realized it was the same feeling I was looking for a while ago, but never did find.

I actually appreciate how he will insist on being there for me, no matter how many times I’ve told him to go away, and to leave me alone. He’s persistent, and that in itself can be annoying at times. So maybe my recent perceptions of him weren’t all correct. I just wish the girl he likes will see him the way I saw him before. He deserves to be happy with who he loves, though in truth I think that girl deserves a kick in the behind for being such a headache.

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